© Joe Kort, MA, MSW. All Rights Reserved.
Sex Starved Gay Male Couples: The Untold Story. Part 2 Click here for Part 1.
1. Plan time for sex.
Most couples-gay and straight-insist they shouldn't have to plan for sex, which should come naturally and spontaneously the way it did in the beginning of their relationship. But after the first five years, you must make time for it. Planning can help you anticipate being together, making the coming experience more exciting.
2. Focus on some detail(s) you find attractive about your partner.
Is your partner not quite as attractive as when you first got together? He's put on some pounds, lost some hair, and doesn't seem as hot to you now.
Then focus on what you do like about him-his genitals, hair, feet, hands? The way he kisses? Focus on any aspect of him that most arouses you.
3. Fantasize about some hot experience you had in the past.
It can be an experience and/or fantasy with your current partner, or with someone else. The popular press media claims that not being fully present with a partner during sex is destructive and to fantasize about anyone else is like cheating. Not true! If that's the only way you and your partner can enjoy sex, that might be an issue. But doing this every so often can spark sexual excitement in you both.
4. Watch porn together; get on the webcam with other guys on the Internet.
This aphrodisiac can heighten your sexual desire-and thus, for each other. There's nothing wrong with being stimulated outside your relationship, if you bring that sexual energy back into the relationship with your partner. Again, this is no problem unless it's the only way you can have sex together or one of you is jealous. This would not be recommended if so.
5. Consider opening up your relationship.
Many gay couples open their relationships after five to seven years together. In fact, studies show that 75% of gay male couples have non-monogamous relationships. However, these couples communicate and have agreements with each other so that both know that neither is cheating or doing anything in secret. This frank openness helps partners helps them reactivate sexual desire in one another.
Have you and your partner ever discussed your deepest, darkest sexual secrets? Maybe one or both of you like to be spanked? Maybe humiliating someone sexually turns you one? Perhaps you've never told him of your fetish of licking his feet or armpit? Fantasy role play can help you escape daily living, forget about your busy lives, and perhaps even problems in your relationship. Remember, you should only do this when you feel good about each other. The goal is to connect, not disconnect.
7. Do anything except have sex.
After a long drought in a relationship, engaging in sex directly may be too tall an order. If so, give each other massages. Take a bath or shower together, lie naked beside each other, kiss, rub strawberries on each other's lips and feed each other. But whatever you do, don't have sex! If you both honestly decide to, fine-but your goal should not to create any pressure to perform.
Gay male couples not having sex for long periods of time can now come out of the closet of shame and lonely isolation, knowing that their worry is more common generally talked about. Following some of these guidelines or creating your own, you might not have to walk away from the relationship you've always wanted.
© Joe Kort.
Sex Starved Gay Male Couples:
The Untold Story.
Click here for Part 1.
Since 1985, Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been specializing in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy, Marital Affairs, Mixed Orientation Marriages, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Abuse, and Imago Relationship Therapy, offering workshops for singles and couples. An adjunct professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne State University's School of Social Work, he maintains a regularly updated website at JoeKort.com.