Dear Joe,

I came out only five years ago, after being in an 11-year heterosexual relationship where toward the end, the sex stopped cold. For me, obviously it never felt satisfying.  Since coming out, I’ve learned to really enjoy being gay and being sexual with other men-especially with my partner, since I love him so much.

He and I have been together for four years. Over time, our sexual activity  has steadily decreased to the point where now we haven’t had sex in nine months.

I’ve discussed this with him on numerous occasions. His answer is always, “Mentally, I’m just not into sex right now.”  Since we met, he’s had a lot of issues. His father’s  sudden death was hard on him, and he hasn’t worked in three years. His trying to build a business is taking much longer than we hoped.

I can’t help feeling he’s not attracted to me anymore because I’ve put on a lot of weight since we got together. But he says that’s not it, and when we do fool around, he’s physically aroused (hard to hide that!). He just doesn’t feel the desire to consummate the act. Since I’m very sexual, this lack of intimacy has put a real strain on our relationship. I’m not looking to cheat on him, but it’s very frustrating. He’s not seeing a therapist and says he’s  working on the problem in his own way. We have other issues, and our relationship has been a real emotional rollercoaster. I’m just not sure what to do.

- Asexual in Claremont, CA

Dear Asexual,

Most couples suffer from “sexual desire discrepancy,” wherein one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. Also it’s not uncommon for sexual desire to diminish over time.  These are common and normative, aspects in any relationship, but any couple needs to address them. However, few couples know how to deal with these all-too-common situations and either act out, have affairs, or split up. I’m glad to hear you haven’t taken those routes!

The more serious and primary issue is your partner. He tells you he’s not “mentally” into sex right now, but to me, it sounds like he’s not mentally into much at all-not just sex. Given his father’s death and the slow startup of his new business, he may well be clinically depressed, and immobilized by frustration. His grief and being out of work for that long must be weighing on your relationship as well. And in my opinion, your relationship is in trouble.

I’ve found that a parent’s death can often impact relationships in unexpected ways. After a mother or father dies, children often start to recognize their own mortality and go through a transition, even a life crisis such as making major and drastic life changes within their jobs, families, marriages without much thought. I’m concerned that if your partner won’t seek help and get some psychiatric and/or psychotherapeutic support, his life won’t go in a positive direction..

The promise of a commitment includes each partner’s willingness to stay active within the relationship and carry his own share of responsibilities, including being sexual and getting help when it becomes necessary. If your partner resists holding up his end of the bargain-in his case, being sexual and working-then he’s not honoring your implicit contract, even if unintentionally.

You made a good effort to communicate by asking the scary question if your weight bothers him. You ran the risk of his saying “Yes” and having your feelings hurt. Your willingness to be vulnerable is a good sign, but he needs to do the same.

You’ve waited long enough for the ability to be out and sexually active as you were meant to be-as a gay man. Now you’re with someone who’s making you wait even longer. Your weight gain might be a direct result of having to watch his own mental health issues: When one partner is depressed, how can it not affect the other partner significantly? So to get things moving in a better direction, you must be the active one-it doesn’t as if sound like he will, or even can.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you will help him find the right resources. But if he won’t take action, then you’ll be in the unfortunate position of enabling him, which isn’t good for either of you.

This is no easy situation to be in-but it’s okay to admit it! If he won’t seek help, then do get some for yourself. You might need to make some tough choices that you’d rather not, because you do love him and want to stay with him. If he realizes that you won’t simply stand by and watch him self-destruct, hopefully he’ll feel motivated to take positive steps on his own. But either way, you must take care of yourself.

© Joe Kort.