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Part
1
My friend
denied he was angry.
He sure looked pissed off to me: tight voice,
brusque words, tense body posture. He was talking about his boyfriend,
and he admitted he was keyed up, but it took a while for him to figure
out what was going on inside.
The truth
is, my friend seems angry all the time. The targets shift: his boss,
himself, the idiot drivers on the freeway.
But at any given moment, he’s
likely to have a certain amount of anger inside him. He sometimes seems
like he’s stuffed with tinder, ready to ignite at a moment’s notice.
He’s not
alone. Anger is an issue for many men. Why is this?
Boys are
raised differently from girls, particularly concerning emotions. We’re
taught to get those feelings under control, suck it up and get back into
the game. "Never let them see you sweat," says a deodorant ad. If
sweating isn’t cool, the feelings that cause the perspiration in the
first place definitely are unwelcome. Boys grow up learning to keep a lid
on feelings, especially ones that imply vulnerability. The boy or young
man who admits feeling hurt or afraid is positioning himself to be
ridiculed. If acknowledging feeling wounded is dangerous, the response is
often to shut the feeling off before one even becomes fully aware of it.
Anger, in
contrast, is one of very few emotions that is acceptably masculine. Anger
often looks very masculine, and it gets a response. As a result, it can
become an overused emotion
– that is, we’re not sure
what’s going on inside of us, but angry looks like a safe choice. We find
ourselves reacting with anger to situations that represent loss, for
instance. And we end up pushing people away.
Anger looks
different for different people. The guy who has learned to be aggressive
may express his anger with a desire to punch someone in the nose, while
another man may rely on cynicism or passive-aggressive behavior. Those of
us who have been taught that anger is inappropriate, or that it’s
dangerous to get angry, often express these feelings indirectly (perhaps
by withdrawing). In the gay community, the bitchy queen is a stereotype
of how anger can be expressed: using humor as a weapon, relying on
sarcasm and bitterness to cut others down to size and maintain control of
the situation.
Anger isn’t
always negative. It’s a powerful, energetic experience to get infuriated
with someone, and relationships where anger is never expressed are likely
to become boring and dry. (If you live with someone long enough, you’ll
surely find something to get irritated about sooner or later!) Sharing
your anger with a boyfriend
– appropriately – can lead to
better mutual understanding and even feeling safer and closer in the long
run. If I can get angry with you and you don’t run away from me, it helps
me to believe that I’m really safe opening my heart to you.
Anger is
healthiest when it’s fresh, genuine and limited. Expressing your
irritation over something that just happened is very different from
bringing up what happened at a party four months ago. Hanging onto old
hurts and angers is a problem that is going to keep you from being happy.
Read the entire Anger
series.
Part 1, So Angry. Part 2,
Healthy & Unhealthy Anger. Part 3,
Managing Anger.
Also from
John Ballew:
Intimacy, Vulnerability and Commitment
Intimate relationships come in many flavors; some relationships evolve hastily, others take time...
Changing Times?
Are attitudes toward same
sex marriage, civil unions and non-discrimination laws changing?
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