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Intimate relationships
come in many flavors: dinner-and-a-movie dates that develop slowly into
something else, dating one guy exclusively and becoming boyfriends,
establishing something more permanent, perhaps as lovers or husbands or
partners.
Some relationships evolve hastily; others take time. Some men
are comfortable “playing the field,” while others move so quickly to
stake a claim on a boyfriend’s affections that it feels like a return to
California Gold Rush days.
“An unarmed encounter
between two vulnerable individuals” is my favorite definition of
intimacy. Most of us understand the “unarmed” part of that equation
without too much difficulty. But “vulnerable?” That’s tougher.
Especially for men; toughness is associated with masculinity –
vulnerability is something we’re taught to avoid.
Vulnerability is a
paradox. A friend recently talked to me about how much closer he felt to
the person he was dating after getting food poisoning while on a skiing
trip. The experience of being cared for while he was weak (and not very
attractive!) helped him to genuinely feel the loving words his boyfriend
had been speaking for several weeks. He’s not eager to feel that sick
again, but he recognized that amid the misery, he received an offering
that was very intimate and loving.
If we are going to allow
ourselves to open up and feel vulnerable, we need assurance that the
person we are with will continue to respect us and will not abandon us.
We need loyalty from the other person. In a healthy relationship, that
means he’ll want a similar assurance from us as well.
Commitments aren’t all
the same. Some commitments are lifelong pledges of fidelity, and that’s
probably what most of us thing of first when we think of commitment. But
a commitment may look quite differently. Ron tells Jeff he won’t date
anyone else while they are going out. Mark and Ray agree that while they
may have sex outside their relationship of several years, they will
always put one another first. Jim and John agree not to discuss ending
their relationship until they have given counseling a try. That’s a
commitment, too.
It’s understandable that
people often feel hesitant, even ambivalent, about making a commitment.
Choosing one person means not choosing someone else. It can be hard to
make that sort of choice – especially in a culture like ours, that values
romance over commitment. Also, many of us have seen marriage commitments
not taken very seriously. Why would we be eager to do the same?
The lack of legal
structure in gay relationships means that we have great latitude in
deciding what we want our relationships to look like; all areas of
commitment are open to negotiation. Sometimes the lack of a formal
ritual (like a wedding) can mean that we find ourselves with lots of
assumptions about our relationships, but little frank conversation about
the nature of our relationships.
Making our commitments
clear helps to make them powerful. Sitting down with your boyfriend or
partner to talk about your spoken and unspoken understandings is
important work within a relationship. Some suggestions:
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Choose a time when
things are going well, rather than when your relationship is
struggling.
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Speak about your own
needs and desires; use statements that start with “I.”
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Listen as much as you
speak.
Remember
that a commitment is much more likely to mean something if it is freely
offered and not given because your partner feels intimidated.
Also from
John Ballew:
Changing Times?
Are attitudes toward same
sex marriage, civil unions and non-discrimination laws changing?
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