When I first came out to myself as a gay man many years ago, I was completely
clueless about the gay lifestyle.
Like any culture, I quickly came to learn that the gay community has its own
norms and practices that differed to lesser or greater degrees than what I’d
experienced in the mainstream heterosexual world that we all grow up in and
internalize.
Living in the suburbs of Chicago
where few resources existed for learning about and meeting other gay folk, I
established a friendship base in the Windy City itself, which houses a fairly
large gay metropolis. It was here that my virginal journey into gay society
began. So naïve I was in learning all the social nuances involved in this new
land I was venturing into! I amusingly recall one day walking through the gay
ghetto with one of my friends, just chatting away about this and that, when all
of a sudden in mid-sentence, his neck spun around in a double-take (very similar
to Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”) when a striking man in a tank-top walked past
us.
I found myself a little startled and taken aback by his behavior, which
seemed so overt and untamed by my conventional standards with his eyes bugged
out and tongue wagging. As I quickly came to learn, this commonplace ritual is
called “cruising”, an important social skill that all single gay men quickly
learn to develop to snag themselves a potential date or casual sex partner for
the night.
My continued immersion into the gay
brotherhood brought an interesting tidbit to light about gay socialization; that
is, this whole “gay gawking” phenomenon of sizing up with the eyes of one’s
attraction to another is not exclusive to the singles’ scene. It’s not unusual
for gay couples to partake in this activity, either together or separate from
one another. And that is the topic for this article, spurred by an interview I
gave for journalist Diane Maples who was writing a piece for MSNBC.com on the
practice of “ogling” that occurs and its impact on monogamous relationships. The
following includes some of the content I offered during the interview for her
story.
Got Whiplash?!
You know what I’m talking about! You
see that hot guy coming towards you as you’re walking down the sidewalk. Your
eyes connect briefly, hold slightly, and then the gaze is diverted. He walks
past you and you turn around ever so slightly to see if he looks back. And he
does..bingo! Or maybe you and a friend are sitting at a restaurant having dinner
and you find yourself mesmerized by the hunk at the table just opposite you; you
can’t help staring at him in awe until your friend kicks you under the table to
snap you out of it before the restaurant runs out of napkins to soak up your
drool. Having the eyes pulled in the direction of a good-looking or intriguing
person is a natural part of attraction and all its mysteries.
“Gawking” isn’t isolated only
to gay men; it’s also very rampant among our heterosexual counterparts as well.
You see plenty of our straight gal pals smacking their boyfriends in disgust
when their eyes wander to the exotic woman that walks into the room. It’s a
normal human response, though does tend to be more of a “man thing” (gay or
straight), as we men tend to be more visually stimulated in our erotic
orientation.
So this is all well and good if
you’re single and available, but what happens if you’re already in a
relationship with someone and you become gripped with this magnetic draw? Is it
ok for a gay man in a committed partnership to appreciate the beauty of a
good-looking man who’s not his own lover? Are there varying degrees of “gawking”
that are acceptable versus violations? Or is it completely taboo to even look at
another specimen other than your husband? These are the ultimate questions…and
in actuality, there is no necessarily right or wrong answer. What it comes down
to are values and conducting yourself in such a way that you remain in integrity
with yourself and your relationship for what you believe to be the best option
for you. To say what is right or wrong would be a value judgment, imposing one’s
beliefs on another without permission or consent. We have enough of that in our
society!
I believe it is up to each individual
and each partner in a relationship to define their own values about this
particular issue and behave accordingly to stay within the confines of health
within their personal worlds. It is also important to ensure our behavior
doesn’t violate the boundaries or rights of others; therefore, “gawking”
behavior should also be kept under wraps and controlled so as not to embarrass,
humiliate, or offend the receiver of our attentions. It truly is an issue of
respect.
