There are no easy answers or
cookbook-recipe solutions to the above situations; each couple must creatively
and collaboratively find the formulas that work best for them in coping with the
unique demands of sharing an HIV/AIDS-discordant relationship. Below are some
tips that might help make navigating through these transitions smoother:
Communication is of the utmost
importance. Each partner should feel free to openly share and discuss any and
all thoughts and feelings about their experiences and perspectives and to be
acknowledged and validated. Keeping thoughts and feelings concealed, even if
it’s done with the intention of trying to protect your partner, will only serve
to backfire later and have severe consequences individually and for the
relationship. It might be very helpful for each partner to seek individual
counseling for support and skills in dealing with the unique HIV+ or HIV-
perspectives and also pursue couples counseling for assistance with relationship
enrichment and communication/conflict management skills training.
While your sexual relationship may
experience its ebbs and flows, recognize that this is normal of any partnership
and that it’s important to communicate your needs, feelings, and fantasies
regularly. Creatively explore different ways to make your bedroom adventures
more interesting and look at nonsexual methods of play as another source of
pleasure. Some couples have discussed having an “open relationship” as an option
of dealing with bedroom difficulties and this can be a viable approach if both
partners are agreeable, if it doesn’t oppose either partners’ values, and that
specific boundaries and limits are placed on it so as to protect the
relationship. Safer sex with your partner and others, of course, is the only way
to reduce the risk of transmission of the HIV virus no matter how “healthy” sex
partners may be (and this is still not a guarantee).
Approach the ups and downs as a
team and it’s best if both are actively involved in the healthcare planning and
management process. Consult a financial planner who can best help you structure
a financial plan and budget in dealing with medical and basic life costs, and
it’s also extremely important in this day and age to obtain the necessary legal
documents to protect your gay relationship during potential health crises
(living wills, insurance beneficiary designations, financial and medical powers
of attorney, etc.)
Build your support network and
access community resources. While discordant HIV relationships don’t seem to get
much exposure at this time, many gay community health centers and clinics offer
self-help groups, programs, counseling, or social events that might help meet an
unmet need you may have as a couple. Or you can be proactive and start your own
group, either online or community-based, to help foster more support and
connection with other like-minded couples that share your mixed status. One
resource that you might find helpful that caters specifically to
positive/negative relationships is a website called “The Body”.
This is a great resource on information pertaining to HIV/AIDS as a whole and
they have a forum specifically for mixed HIV-status couples.
There are going to be hard times,
no doubt. This is the case in any relationship. The important thing here is to
avoid defining your relationship solely around the HIV/AIDS aspect and instead
view it as a part of a greater whole that constitutes your partnership. There
are many other aspects of your being a couple that require your attentiveness
and it’s important to bring everything into balance as much as possible. Nurture
you relationship, give it lots of TLC (tender-loving-care), and demonstrate for
your partner how important and special he is to you. Capitalize on the strengths
in your relationship and why you love each other during those trying times to
help bolster your resiliency.
Conclusion
Being a mixed HIV-status couple can
be a rewarding experience, but both partners must accept the responsibilities
inherent to this relationship style in overcoming its challenges, just like in
any relationship. The quality of your relationship and the extent to which you
practice open communication and collaborative problem-solving is the primary
predictor of relationship success for positive/negative couples. Make the
challenges you experience an asset in your favor!
You can reach greater depths
of intimacy and fulfillment by conquering your issues as co-pilots on the
journey. This relationship type actually has another bonus attached in that
these couples typically, because of their situation, focus more on what’s
important in life, have a good grasp on priorities, and live for the moment
rather than getting caught up in petty, superficial squabbles. Because of this,
and as long as the potentially harsh realities are accepted and approached with
flexibility and commitment as partners-for-life, HIV-positive/HIV-negative
couple pairings really can be assets for relationship success—hence, they really
are magnetic!
Return to Part
1.
The characters/names in this
article are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
