Let’s face it -- life can be
pretty darn hectic sometimes!
Juggling all those commitments and trying to
balance the roles and responsibilities you have can be quite challenging,
and the one area of your life that can take the biggest hit is your
relationship.
It can be so easy to take your partner for granted as you
try to tackle all those work demands, return your friends’ phone calls,
and meet those family obligations.
If you let it, your
relationship can begin to lose its sense of priority, especially if you
and your partner have gotten into a comfortable groove in the way you
relate and function as a couple. The obvious consequence to this is a
weakening of connection, potential decreased intimacy, emotional distance,
and resentment over unmet needs.
All relationships, no matter
how good, require consistent feeding. You must constantly nurture them,
attend to them, and ensure that they remain healthy and strong. This is
especially so because relationships, and the individuals who comprise
them, are always changing with the passage of time. To not grow with the
changes can result in a breakdown with inevitable conflict and sometimes
demise.
I’m a big advocate for doing
periodic “check-ins” with your significant other to make sure the
relationship is progressing in a mutually-satisfying direction. Gay men
(actually men in general!) typically tend to favor problem-solving and
action over communication. This thereby creates the potential for huge
rifts to occur in their relationships because of the lack of dialogue to
ensure they and their partners are on “the same page” with things that
matter most. This article will describe one strategy that can promote you
and your partner’s focus on your relationship; this technique can help you
avoid getting distracted by other forces in your life and remind you to
communicate and tend to the needs of your relationship to keep feeding its
successful growth.
The Relationship Pow-Wow
Pow-Wow is a
Native-American term that means a gathering or an important meeting. If
you and your partner don’t discuss the business and emotional aspects of
your relationship on a regular basis, or if you find that your “couple
time” is in competition with all the other life tasks and roles that must
be fulfilled, then your relationship is likely in jeopardy without
intervention. These things cannot be glossed over! The Relationship Pow-Wow
might be just what the doctor ordered to get you guys back on track!
This technique is comparable to
what therapists propose to families who need a more structured format for
spending more quality time together, communicating about needs and
feelings, and engaging in collaborative decision-making. That’s exactly
what you’ll be doing with your partner; it’ll just be one-on-one!
It’s actually a very simple
concept. Basically, the two of you will come up with a mutually-agreeable
time to meet to discuss how things are going in your relationship. This
will become a regular and predictable part of your relationship and is
intended to be a safe place for the two of you to air your thoughts,
feelings, and resolve differences. The length and frequency of the
meetings is individualized per couple; if your relationship seems to be
running along smoothly, perhaps once per month is sufficient. If you and
your partner are going through some transitions, adjustments, or crises,
you might want to increase the frequency to weekly or every few days. You
will tailor your Pow-Pow to the unique needs of your relationship.
Meeting Guidelines
-
Meet at the same place and
at the same time. This will help develop a ritual for your relationship
where it will decrease the chances you’ll forget about it. If need be,
write it down in your scheduling book. Minimize distractions and really
use this time to honor each other and what you’ve built together.
-
Both you and your partner
will have equal “floor time” to speak your mind. You will each be the
“listener” and the “speaker”, making sure not to interrupt until the
speaker is finished. Be respectful of each other’s expressed opinions
and beliefs and make a rule to not use vulgarities or put each other
down. Keep the complaining out! State your needs and feelings directly
and assertively and ask for what you want.
-
If the climate of your
meeting becomes tense or has a flavor of being unproductive, call a
“Time-Out” to defuse any potential for misdirected anger. The Pow-Wow
will not work if it becomes a battle-ground. Make sure you schedule
another time to complete the meeting if you need to postpone it to allow
some time to regain composure.
-
The meeting will require
you to use good communication, conflict negotiation, and problem-solving
skills. If you’re not well-versed in these, study up on active
listening, “I” messages, brainstorming, or enlist the services of a
coach or couples counselor to help you fine-tune these critical skills.
-
Keep a notebook handy at
your meeting and journal or keep minutes of what was discussed. You can
always refer to this at the beginning of each meeting to track your
progress on stated goals and also helps with accountability and
remembering what was discussed.
-
Strive toward win/win
solutions. As two men socialized for competitiveness in the same
relationship, keep the wrestling matches out! Remember that you’re on
the same team, you don’t always have to agree on everything, and
negotiate for the benefit of the relationship itself, not one particular
individual.
Running A Pow-Wow
Step 1: One partner will begin
the meeting by sharing his perception of how the week went as it pertains
to the partnership. What went well in the relationship? What didn’t go so
well? What needs were met and unmet?
Step 2: The other partner will
repeat back what he heard his partner say, empathizing with and validating
the message. He will then share his perceptions and the other partner will
then mirror back.
Step 3: Together, celebrate any
victories that occurred and then transition into defining any problems
that exist, brainstorming potential solutions for consideration.
Step 4: Develop an action plan
for the specified goal. Outline specifically what each partner will do
toward resolution of the target problem. Make sure to assess movement
toward the goal at the beginning of the next Pow-Wow.
Step 5: Share your
appreciations for each other before you adjourn and then go do something
fun that will further cement your bond as a couple.
No Agenda?
So what if you don’t have
anything to talk about at your meeting? While that is very rare, still go
through the above steps. It’s ok to have a short session and expect that
all meetings will not be the same duration. Also, not every get-together
will require problem-solving or action-planning. Here’s a few additional
creative ideas for getting the most out of your time together when you
don’t have any “burning issues” to discuss:
-
Discuss your visions for
your future as a couple and as individuals.
-
Plan for fun. Talk about
any vacations or recreational outings you’d like to pursue in the near
or long-range future.
-
Each of you grab a deck of
index cards and write some sentence completion stems on them. Read them
aloud to each other and answer them. For example, “One thing I really
appreciate about you is _____”; “Something I need for you to understand
about me is _____”; ” If there was one thing I’d like to be different
about our relationship, it would be _____”. Get creative and have
fun!
-
Go to your local gift or
gaming specialty store and purchase one of those board games geared
toward couples, intimacy, and relationships. Play the game together!
Conclusion
No matter how busy or chaotic
your life gets, never lose sight of how important your relationship is to
you. The Relationship Pow-Wow can be one way to keep centered and
focused on keeping your relationship primed and to keep the channels of
communication open. Remember that the meetings need to also highlight the
positives you share and also make sure that they don’t replace or
substitute other quality time the two of you could be sharing. Have a
regular “Date Night” as part of your routine to keep the spark alive.
And most importantly, keep the
communication going in-between sessions also. Be flexible with your
meetings as things will happen and always be mindful of keeping your
relationship as the number one priority, no matter how crazy life gets.
You’re there for each other!
