Continued...

Joe & Paul Revisited

Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered as they desired to clear the air from their argument the night before and come to some resolution about how to manage some of their issues moving forward.

They didn’t want to hurt each other anymore and truly wanted to understand how the other felt and what he needed to avoid being reactive in the future.

Paul began. “Joe, I feel hurt and rejected when you don’t talk much when we’re out and when you look at other guys because we don’t get to see each other very much with our opposite work schedules and I feel it’s disrespectful to be admiring other men when you’re with me. I miss you and I feel scared that you might be losing interest in me when that happens. I’d prefer that you be more engaged when we’re together by not staring at other guys and by making the most of the time we have together by talking with me or giving me more attention.

Joe responded with active listening techniques and Paul felt heard and validated. Joe then replied to Paul. “Paul, I feel frustrated and helpless when you make accusations that I’m cheating on you because I have very strong values in fidelity and have never done anything to compromise our commitment. I love you. I’d prefer that you refrain from jumping to conclusions and instead check things out with me that you might be thinking and feeling in a calm way to make sure we’re on the same page.”

The couple’s discussion went deeper and they were able to identify a lot of their fears and unmet needs that were underlying the anger that was coming out during their fight. Once they’d reached that level of understanding and both felt heard, the couple was then able to progress into a problem-solving stage. Joe refrained from flirting with other men to respect his relationship with Paul and channeled his energy into attending more to his partner’s needs and being more fully present when they were together. He also tried changing his work schedule around so they could have more quality time together, tried to show Paul ways he appreciated and cherished him through loving gestures and attention, and worked on improving his verbal and nonverbal communication skills.

Paul set to work on challenging his insecurities, combating his tendency to make assumptions and “mind-read”, and began grieving and healing from past relationship wounds that he was projecting into his current relationship with Joe. He also worked hard on improving his boundaries and both aggressively worked on creating more balance between their individual and couple identities. This couple is on the right path to healing and continue to grow closer by the day.

Conclusion & Action Challenges

So how can you use “I” messages to improve your relationship? Here’s a few tips in conclusion to get you started:

• Make a list of all the feelings and/or needs you’d like to express to your partner and write them down in a journal. Now, using the “I feel___when you____because___so instead, I’d prefer___” formula, practice creating your own “I” statements. The more times you do this, the more natural it will feel. Role-play with a trusted friend or go directly to your partner and give it a try!

• Remember that it’s very important to identify the role that you yourself play in conflicts rather than putting all the emphasis on your partner and his behavior. You can’t change your partner.

• Expand your feelings vocabulary. Read books on emotional intelligence to broaden your skill-set.

• Identify any fears you may have that hold you back from listening or communicating your needs and feelings with your partner. Work at challenging them to support more connection in your relationship.

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© Brian L. Rzepczynski, All Rights Reserved.