While the above scenario may seem a bit like “The Young & the Restless”, it certainly depicts how an argument can downward-spiral fast. Conflict is normal and inevitable in all relationships; in fact, there can’t be growth as a couple without it! However, the manner in which the conflict is approached and managed can either contribute to the health and development of the relationship, or it can cause its demise. Words hurt and can have lasting effect, and as seen by our friends Paul and Joe, they can damage the foundation of trust and intimacy that the partnership is built upon.

As a couple, it’s important to view conflict as an opportunity to bridge more connection. As men, we’ve been socialized to be strong, aggressive, and competitive. While these traits are definite assets, they can be counter-productive when communicating with a significant other about differences or problems. Another tendency that we men have is to skip over feelings and jump right into problem-solving mode to rectify a situation. This is another obstacle to effective communication in an intimate relationship. Listening and validation of each partner’s feelings and needs is an essential pre-requisite to problem-solving and requires us to slow down and really pay attention to the messages communicated by our lovers.

So when faced with an altercation with your partner, it’s important to do the following:

• Identify your triggers to anger and know when your emotions (or your partner’s) are at a point where continuing a dialogue would be detrimental and unproductive.

• Defuse anger immediately by calling a “Time-Out” and having a cool-down period where you can each relax and gain some perspective. This will help avoid the potential for hurtful words to be expressed; words that hurt and can’t be taken back.

• Schedule a time to come back and talk about the situation so that it’s not “swept under the rug”, which would only serve to accumulate resentments. Set the stage for communication by creating ground rules for discussion and a safe environment to have a dialogue.

• Have conscious intention during your talk. Avoid being distracted by what you want to say and instead be fully engaged with your partner and focus on active listening so you can truly understand his needs, feelings, and point-of-view. You’ll have your chance to state your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one subject at a time, and display appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.

The “I” Messages Communication Technique

There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular of them is the “I” statements communication technique. Frequently taught in couples counseling, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula for expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, assertive way. If executed the right way, this model reduces the chances that your partner will respond in a defensive way and will promote a more successful communication session.

Basically, the formula reads: I feel (insert feeling; make sure it’s a feeling, not a thought) when you (describe his behavior) because (rationale for why you feel the way you do) so instead, I’d prefer (request for a behavior change).

The model works well because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming and you’re describing the behavior that is upsetting to you as opposed to launching an attack on your partner’s character, which the word “you” alone tends to inspire and hence creates defensiveness on the part of the other. Requesting a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of acting-out your discontent or stuffing it away and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.

Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!