Probably the number one question I get asked most
often by gay couples is, unsurprisingly, "How do I make my relationship
better?" So, in line with the beginning of a New Year, I thought I'd write
a short blurb that lists some possible action steps you might take to
improve your partnership in the coming year.
We've all heard of making personal New Year's
Resolutions like "I'm going to lose weight this year" or "I'm going to go
to the health club more often", but what would happen if we expanded upon
that concept and created Resolutions for our relationships as couples?
With our busy lifestyles and excessive demands
placed upon our time, it can be very easy to take our relationships for
granted and unconsciously place them on the low end of our priority
scales. And with those couples who have been together for
a long time, it's even easier to settle into comfortable routines and
patterns (as if on auto-pilot) at the expense of attending to and
nurturing our relationship with our partners.
This neglect is a primary
reason for relationship discord, boredom, and a host of other problems
that begin to erode at the foundation of our bonds as lovers/husbands.
*Catapult Your Relationship In The New
Year!*
Conscious intention toward putting consistent
energy into your relationship is crucial for its longevity and success. So
why not, as a couple, create your own list of New Year's Resolutions for
your relationship and make sure to attend to the items on your list. In
fact, the actual act of the two of you sitting down and developing a list
would be a great first item, something the two of you could creatively do
that fosters togetherness and mutual brainstorming on ways to super-charge
your connection. In essence, the two of you are creating a vision for your
relationship, and the pure act of doing that begins to cement more
intimacy between you as you have common goals to strive toward and
celebrate the successes along the way.
Need some help creating some Resolutions? While
it'll have more meaning and substance if you and your partner can create
your own, here's some examples that you might use; they might even spark
some additional ideas of your own! Have at it, and enjoy the process!
*Sample Relationship New Year's
Resolutions*
"For this year 2007, we as a couple, resolve to
do the following for the benefit and growth of our relationship…"
1. To listen to each other
without interrupting as a way to improve our communication and validate
each other's perspectives on issues.
2. To take notice of the "little
things" we do and to acknowledge our observation of these things as a way
to keep giving each other positive strokes.
3. To make more time for each
other and restructure our schedules so that we have more quality time and
availability to go out on dates and enjoy each other.
4. To make love to each other
with more passion, intensity, and creativity.
5. To create a scrapbook of
memories of our life together that will act as a legacy of our
relationship.
6. To make sure that we have
some kind of dialogue on a daily basis that keeps us centered on each
other and keeps the distractions of our lives at bay.
7. To surprise each other with
simple adorations of our love for each other, whether it be flowers sent
to the office or a love note slipped in our briefcases.
8. To attend personal growth
workshops, couples' retreats, sign up for relationship coaching sessions,
or read books that will help us keep growing and developing as a couple.
9. To make more friends and
surround ourselves with positive people who will affirm and support our
relationship.
10. To work through any
self-esteem issues or internalized homophobia that either one of us may
have that interfere with us being able to show the world that we are proud
to be gay and a couple.
11. To say "I love you" more
often and take "Time-Outs" as needed when we're angry so we don't escalate
problems and say things that will hurt one another.
12. To ensure that we each have
both an individual identity and an identity as a couple to bring about
more balance/health to our partnership. Having outside interests, hobbies,
and passions will help bring more novelty and freshness to our lives.
13. To be honest and direct with
our feelings and needs instead of keeping things to ourselves. We also
will avoid placing blame on each other and will acknowledge mistakes and
take responsibility accordingly.
Conclusion
And the list can go on and on. Fine-tune these,
as well as the ones you've come up with so that they are specific,
concrete, and measurable. This way, you both know exactly what you have to
do to accomplish the goals you've set because they're spelled out with no
"wiggle-room" for sabotage, and you'll ensure that they're achievable.
Prioritize your items and only focus on a few initially so as not to get
too overwhelmed.
Maintain these tasks, and your commitment will
soar to new heights! Reward yourselves for jobs well done and periodically
assess and check-in with each other to gauge how you're doing and if any
revisions or additions need to be made. Happy New Year, and all the best
with your new relationship goals and objectives!
