While trust takes time to
develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very
quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the
future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion.
Once trust has been
compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that
damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those
couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the
impaired trust in their relationships.
The Shattered Foundation
All that a relationship has
been built upon comes crashing down once trust has been violated, which is
why it’s typically not a quick-fix and requires a lot of time and energy
dedicated to its repair. Maybe he cheated on you. Perhaps you told him a
white lie. He might have broken a promise to you. No matter how miniscule
or severe the crime committed may seem, the dynamics and the sense of
security the relationship once shared will likely be shifted.
Developing trust in someone can
be made difficult when there’s been a history of emotional/verbal/physical
abuse, when one’s feelings have been minimized or ignored, or when there’s
unresolved grief or hurt from the past. Your family background and prior
experiences in relationships can also be contributing factors to
difficulties with trust, as well as significant stress, low self-esteem,
and addictions. Just the nature of being gay can make us prone to being
mistrustful because of the years we spent hiding behind masks or “closet
doors” to protect ourselves against homophobia. And when the man we fall
in love with betrays that ultimate brotherhood bond, it can be devastating
and lead to an almost paranoid state of always assessing his every move
and action and becoming hypersensitive to any possible indication of
disloyalty to compensate for and protect against getting hurt again.
Intimacy suffers and the level of involvement tends to become distant.
Tips For Rebuilding Trust
While it may seem
insurmountable at times, it is very possible to heal from broken trust and
come out on the other side with a positive outcome. You must first decide,
however, if you are truly invested in salvaging your relationship with
each other and that you’re doing it for the right reasons. If the
violation goes against your core beliefs and values, is this really a good
partner choice? Staving off being alone and having to start over again is
not a good reason to dismiss an inappropriate behavior that opposes who
you are and what you stand for. Make sure your motives are in the right
place and that you each share a genuine common vision of rising above and
conquering this challenge because your relationship is worth it.
Here are some tips for those
couples who are invested in that process. These recommendations can help
promote the chances for a progression through the hurdles of repairing
trust to a new life of possibility as lifelong partners:
-
Get a good handle on any
projections that might be being triggered from the past; your boyfriend
is not your ex or your father who may have hurt you before. Focus on the
here-and-now and deal directly with this current reality and not those
distractions that you’ll still need to grieve and complete.
-
Reach out to others.
Nothing can help restore the human spirit better than serving those in
need or seeing acts of kindness in motion. This helps renew the fact
that there is goodness in people and this can be accomplished through
volunteering for a charity or tapping into spirituality venues, for
example. Access your support system too.
-
You and your partner will
need to communicate and listen to each other; make sure you know how to
do this well and enlist the help of a trained therapist if needed.
Difficult discussions abound and you each will need to be able to
express and understand each other’s perspectives. You will also need to
acknowledge and validate each other’s experiences of the problem and
reach an understanding of how and why this happened, staying focused on
the issue-at-hand.
-
You will each need to take
responsibility for the roles you played in the indiscretion and be open
to apologizing and forgiving each other.
-
In your problem-solving,
you will need to create a new “relationship contract”, agreeing to
behavior that’s fair vs. unjust and ensuring you each share these same
definitions. Identify any unrealistic expectations to avoid any set-ups
for sabotage.
-
Create a healing climate in
your relationship. There is no room for competition, jealousy, blame, or
defensiveness any more. Introduce more tenderness and attentiveness to
each other’s needs. Demonstrate to each other consistently that you are
each priorities to one another and remember that you get back what you
put into your relationship (The Law of Attraction).
-
Monitor your self-talk and
counter any negative thoughts that could interfere with your
relationship efforts and self-esteem. Begin the process of
re-establishing a secure identity where you’re open to taking risks and
being vulnerable again.
-
Learn to “let go” of any
bitterness to allow each of you the opportunity to grow and change. Take
an inventory of the positive memories, behaviors, interactions, and
characteristics of your partner to keep you balanced and hopeful.
Conclusion
The road to recovery from
broken trust can lead you to a lot of self-discovery and growth in your
relationship with sustained effort and a positive mindset. Recognize how
trust issues play out between you and your partner, identify the behaviors
needed to overcome obstacles, and confront any blocks that might hold you
back from your goals.
And lastly, realize that trust
needs constant feeding in relationships and that the hardest thing in the
world for you to do right now is an essential component of moving
forward—becoming vulnerable again. But by opening yourself up, you’ll
truly be able to see if you’re loved for who you really are and you’ll be
a more active and happier participant in life.
